Your Comments On This Poem (No. 8)?

Gone



Buried between the pages of a book

A hundred years or more, it has the look

Old photos have of gone, far-off days.

The fading, strange clothes and heavy furniture raise

In us nostalgia for lives never ours.

A cluttered table, fringed lamp, vase of dried flowers.



But it is not these things that draw my eye.

Here two live again, giving to death the lie.



A man and a woman sit

Close together on a sofa, her hand fit

Snugly into his. Their soft smiles show

What they were assured of and meant for us to know:

In love forever. But time, never love's friend,

Betrayed them in the end,

Took away their voices, smiles, themselves. This alone

Remains to give them flesh and bone.



They beg me let them stay

Hand in hand as on that day.



No, this is but make believe.

Old photographs deceive, Making us think that is still here

Which has been gone for many a year.



That him, that her

Are now with the things that were.



I tear them in pieces, they flutter to the floor.

They are no more.

Your Comments On This Poem (No. 8)?
I like this poem very much, often running across memories such as this. It makes me wonder what your relationship is to this couple, and the shock of the final couplet. Also the stanza beginning "No, this is but make believe" I take to be four lines, since there are two rhymed couplets. It would seem that stronger punctuation or stress might bring out what you convey is in a sense a lie. The third stanza has some extraordinarily long lines, as does the first. Can internal punctuation be rethought? Are there words that can be cut or changed to make the flow more even and regular and the images more vibrant? These are only considerations I would suggest for what is already a very good poem.



[While I agree with Nathan that you should focus more on the narrative, I don't share his abhorrence for rhymes and cannot find any misspellings or convolutions as he claims, or gross mistakes in grammar. Punctuation is largely a matter of your choice, to bring out your meanings and sense of rhythm.]
Reply:good poem
Reply:Okay. You had a strong opening, even utilizing the often abused couplet rather well. But then lines 7 and 8 start to turn.



And all is lost in misspellings, mistakes in grammar, and the sinful twisting and mutilating the meanings of lines in order to make the perfect rhyme...



Focus on the narrative of the poem, that is providing a more sound structure than variable line length couplets could ever.
Reply:Spectacular. A journey through a vintage photo. Sheer brilliance.
Reply:Wow it's brilliant

it's moving and i really like it

did you write it?

Is it about old people going senile or getting alzheimers or just the progessive cycle of life?

I really like this

it's so sad

the ripping up of the photograph that flutters to the floor really stands out
Reply:The occasional rhyme uplifted it where I don;t think that is your intent.