Friday, February 3, 2012

Poem about a campfire?

Witch's fingers, arthritic and cold

Skin no longer peeling of leprosy

Evolving into papyrusy

He arranges them in a bon swirl

Haystacks nearby, and waiting for Shabbos

Gathering fallen fronds and dried flowers

Getting a box of matches from his pocket

Flannel warm and his head of human hair

Sticks don't tremble, sleeping, the warmth grows

Roasting vegan hotdogs for relish, mustard, and onions

Poem about a campfire?
Loved "papyrusy"!



And overall, I liked your language and cadence in this one.



What seems to be lacking here is a good ending. I was waiting for a surprise (other than a vegan hotdog), or a solid punch.



You need to work on punctuation. You use capitalizations and commas, but nothing else. Curious...



Another good start!


No comments:

Post a Comment